Republican Tea Parties

Event: Tax Day Tea Party
What: Republicans Protesting Taxes
When: Wednesday, April 15, 2009 6:00pm - 7:30pm
Where:
Denton Courthouse-on-the-Square
110 W. Hickory Street
Denton, TX

"The Tea Party protests, in their current form, began in early 2009 when Rick Santelli, the On Air Editor for CNBC, set out on a rant to expose the "bankrupt liberal agenda" of the White House Administration and Congress. Specifically, the flawed “Stimulus Bill” and pork filled budget.

During Rick’s rant, he called for a “Chicago tea Party” where advocates of the free-market system could join in a protest against out of control government spending."

On April 15th, the federal deadline for filing personal income tax returns, Republicans nationwide plan a "Boston Tea Party" style revolt.




Local Republican activist Amy Clayburn plans to attend her first protest ever on April 15th, in Denton. "I just hope I can find parking," stated Ms. Clayburn, "I just think the city ought to buy some land nearby so there can be more parking." Mick Rainey, a sophomore who attends nearby University of North Texas, and is a member of their Young Republicans chapter will be helping to put on the event. "Thank the Lord for that Pell Grant, or I wouldn't have been able to afford all of this poster board and tempera," said Rainey, as he painted "Democrat$ $uck, Taxe$ $wallow" in bright red.

Organizer Phil McCracken stated that the goal of the event was to send a message to Washington that "blowing trillions of dollars on bailouts for Wall Street is just plain irresponsible." McCracken went on: "Spending like that will leave our children with a huge debt. What we really needed to do was give trillions of dollars in tax cuts to Wall Street." McCracken, who is retired, spoke to us from the cardboard box he now lives in near Denton Regional Hospital, where his Social Security checks are now direct-deposited to pay for his drugs and his cardiologist, who is also attending the protest.

Dr. Dan Coulter explained that Washington has it all wrong. "You see, it's just crazy to spend all of this money to keep the banking system and the American manufacturing system going. Let them all fail. I've got plenty of guns and ammo, and just as soon as that Medicare reimbursement comes in, I'll make the final payment on my ranch. I'll be good as long as the Corps of Engineers follows through on those flood control plans. Last time it flooded, it totally ruined the sound system in my party gazebo."

Not all Dentonites are excited about the Tea Party though. Larry Burton believes that protests are "faggy" and that this one just legitimizes tea and taxes, one of which is "for sissies" and the other of which is "unconstitutional anyhow". Burton has not filed a personal income tax return in 6 years on his income working in the recycling industry. "Are you through with that Coke?" asked Burton, motioning towards the heaping bag of crushed cans in his converted shopping buggy. Burton plans to skip the protest, but scavenge the grounds afterward.

Denton County Republicans are planning several other upcoming protests on other topics of concern to them:

April 27th, 9pm, protesting Bed Time, and Daylight Savings Time

May 5th, 5pm, protesting the use of the Spanish language on signs and billboards, and calling for the proclamation of 'Merican as The Official Language

June 19th, 7pm, Republicans will celebrate "Take Back Lincoln" day, a new holiday proposed this year by Rush Limbaugh after being upsetted by the many comparisons between Barack Obama and Abraham Lincoln. As part of a new tradition, Republicans will hang Abraham Lincoln dolls on trees all over town, to remind passing motorists of the great man. (This event will take place across the street from the Black Chamber of Commerce office)

July 4th Barbecue against vegetables, a protest against having to eat your vegetables. Republicans will barbecue chicken, pork, beef, rabbits, and other animals they can shoot on-site in this event in Hickory Creek. Activists plan to burn effigies of Brussels sprouts, broccoli (Bush 41's least favorite) carrots, and other "rabbit food". Potatoes, principal ingredient in the "Freedom fries" being served by the group are exempted from the protest because "they're white on the inside" - whatever that means.

Local Democrats were contacted for comment, but were too busy making fun of how crazy the radical right-wing has gotten lately, and could not stop laughing long enough to supply an official statement, although one local activist did send us this response on condition of anonymity:

"I am just too embarrassed for them. Their hero, President George W. Bush inherited a budget surplus, but presided over the largest budget deficits in history, doubled the national debt, tanked the economy through the negligence of their legislators and appointed cronies, and spent a trillion dollars on a war in Iraq, that will ultimately have cost $3 trillion to our economy before it's over. And they want to have a 'tea party' to complain about taxes? These incompetent brain-dead blowhards are lucky to have jobs to provide income to pay their taxes so they can drive their gas-guzzling trucks to Denton on an interstate highway that won't fall in the damned lake when they pass over it. What fucking planet do these people live on anyway?"