Messiah Jesus Christ appeared Sunday as an Asian woman, and spoke to us while seated on the lawn.
In an unscheduled interview Sunday, the Son of God materialized in the offices of the Lewisville Texan Journal, and announced that her next visit to the earthly domain would begin with Lewisville, Texas. Appearing this time as an elderly Asian woman, Jesus said she felt it was prudent to alert the media of her new physical manifestation so there would be no confusion. "Still, there are those with hardened hearts and closed minds who will reject me for my appearance," she said. "That's just how we roll."
When asked why she chose Lewisville, Jesus gave several reasons: "Its convenient location on I-35, and access by commuter train from Dallas, Fort Worth, and points beyond was a draw," said Jesus. "It has ample grassy hillsides where my flock can sit, while I set some things straight," she continued; "Plus, there are a lot of people in Texas and surrounding states who need a talking to." We're going to have a little "come to Jesus" meeting that I call "Sermon on the Mount Lewisville".
"I'm sick of my message of peace and brotherly love being corrupted by sick and hateful politicians and 'so-called' pastors," she asserted. "When I said 'love your neighbor as you love yourself', that's exactly what I meant," she said, visibly agitated. "What part of that did these sanctimonious sheisters take to mean that they should go around condemning people for their race, religion, gender, sexual preference, or political persuasion?"
Over the subsequent centuries, Jesus says that her followers corrupted the message - in some cases doing the very thing that Jesus told them not to. "As an example," she said; "I specifically told my followers not to pray like the Pharisees. They would make these self-aggrandizing loud prayers in front of everybody, playing at piety and righteousness, but I explained that they had all the reward they would ever get. Instead, I told them to go off by themselves and pray quietly. But did they do that? No, they didn't. I gave them an example of a prayer they could use, and they turned it into a formula to be memorized by rote and repeated incessantly without thinking. It's hard for us to hear the prayers we need to hear with so much noise," she explained. And then my people think that 'Tebowing' is okay?"
Mount Lewisville (DFW Landfill), Site of Jesus' "Sermon on the Mount Lewisville" event. Jesus says the smell will be taken care of before the event.
Jesus plans to deliver a reprise of her famous "Sermon on the Mount" at Mount Lewisville. Jesus said that although all may come, special invitations will be sent via telepathy, dreams, and a heavenly ensemble of trumpets. "Plus, we're going to have a Facebook page, and do the Twitter thing too," she added. "There will undoubtedly be a few people around here who think they are entitled to V.I.P. tickets, but we don't have such a thing." Jesus said that people of all religions, races, classes, genders, ages, sexual preferences, and languages are welcome to attend and that translation will be divinely provided. "That said, I've said this before and will say it again: It will be very difficult for the rich to attend, but that's all on them. The answer is in their hearts."
Jesus did warn that the sermon would be long. "What I have to say is going to take a good 7 or 8 hours, minimum," she said. "So we'll have intermissions with musical acts and comedians to lighten things up a bit."
The all-star lineup of musical acts include Freddie Mercury, Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, Luther Vandross, John Denver, Flatt and Scruggs, Selena, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Jerry Garcia will close out the show, which is expected to go on for a couple of days after Jesus leaves.
Comedians scheduled include Richard Pryor, Gilda Radner, and George Carlin. The event will be emceed by Bob Hope.
Addressing expectations by many followers that the second coming would be more dramatic, Jesus said that her followers should know better than to expect to be "raptured" away. "You're going to have to live with the hell you create. Don't cop out by saying that you don't have to take care of your planet and make peace with your fellow man because the world is going to end. You only wish it would be that easy. Ever since John ate those bad mushrooms on Patmos and wrote about his dreams, people who should know better have attributed his words to me," she said. "Seriously, my Father gave you all huge brains and fragile bodies for a reason," she added.
Although Jesus refused to divulge the exact timing of the visit, she did note that it would be "soon". "We're waiting on a permit from T.A.B.C. for the wine," said Jesus, visibly frustrated. "Have you ever dealt with them? You Texans really need to get them under control." she commanded.
Food will be provided, courtesy of sponsors Long John Silvers, and Mrs. Bairds.
Jesus will be making appearances in the following cities during the first part of her tour:
- Lewisville, TX - Waco, TX - Plugerville, TX - Sugarland, TX - Norman, OK - Sedona, AZ (Special guests to be announced)
Other cities are to be revealed in due time.
Jesus asked that we print the following statement so that people can meditate on it before she makes her return.
• Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. • Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. • Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. • Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. • Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. • Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. • Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
We will post updates when the Almighty calls for our assembly on the Mount Lewisville.
Re: Lewisville Among Cities Selected for Jesus' Seco...
April Fools???
WOW - didn't know I was at Mt Lewisville yesterday when I was cleaning out my garage.
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Anonymous
Posted: 2012/4/3 12:30 Updated: 2012/4/3 14:12
Re: Lewisville Among Cities Selected for Jesus' Seco...
Not funny, even coming from a bunch of atheist liberals
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Anonymous
Posted: 2012/4/3 15:00 Updated: 2012/4/3 17:07
Re: Lewisville Among Cities Selected for Jesus' Seco...
Actually, VERY funny for an APRIL FOOL'S JOKE and if you know Steve and the majority of people that post here, you would know that we aren't atheists...however, I for one will wear the label of liberal proudly!
Re: Lewisville Among Cities Selected for Jesus' Seco...
I'm a believer. I feel sorry that the commenter has such a closed mind that they would take offense. Jesus would say "lighten up". But for too many, being a Christian is all about clobbering other people over the head with the ol' rugged cross, rather than actually focusing on the words and examples of Christ and using their God-given faculties to discern greater truths.
Re: Lewisville Among Cities Selected for Jesus' Seco...
I'm only sorry this was an April Fool's joke. The sentiments expressed by the "Jesus" are the same I learned at my mother's knee and are in accordance with the New Testament.
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Anonymous
Posted: 2012/4/5 14:24 Updated: 2012/4/5 15:21
Re: Lewisville Among Cities Selected for Jesus' Seco...
What are you talking about? What sentiments expressed by the "Jesus"? What are you responding too?
Re: Lewisville Among Cities Selected for Jesus' Seco...
Read the story, read the New Testament.
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Anonymous
Posted: 2012/4/6 11:53 Updated: 2012/4/6 13:24
Re: Lewisville Among Cities Selected for Jesus' Seco...
I've read the story by Steve and I've read the New Testament however your reply was nested under other comments not the story so it wasn't clear what you were commenting on. If you are agreeing with Steve's assertions then we are of the same mind.
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Re: Lewisville Among Cities Selected for Jesus' Seco...
