Will Durst - Raging Moderate
Seriously? Both political parties talking pre-emptive smack barely a week after the election. Partisan politics? Again? So soon? Not even time to catch our breath? For crum's sakes, give it a rest, you guys. Besides, shouldn't you be out on recess? After all, it's Thanksgiving. Yes. Already. The earliest Thanksgiving possible. That's what happens when November first is on a Thursday. Merchants are dancing the happy dance. Shoppers too. Retail workers, not so much. Black Friday Creep seems destined to devour Halloween.
To be perfectly honest, a four-day weekend devoted to food, family and football might be the perfect prescription distraction to help us through these rebuking times. So here's a couple rough examples of what a middle-aged, round-headed political comic counts as blessings over folded hands before performing a perfectly executed triple somersault into the gravy boat.
Barack Obama: Second-term promises much bigger knock-down, drag-out fights with the Republican House. Not to mention the Democratic Senate.
General David Petraeus: Who knew generals had groupies? Proves old high school adage: chicks dig stars. The larger the fruit salad, the more noxious the flies.
Karl Rove: Continues to lobby for a recount of the Florida and Ohio votes. From 2008.
The Newly Elected Congress: If you liked the 112th Congress, you're going to love the 113th Congress. Gridlock grown tentacles.
Bill Clinton: As Secretary of 'Splaining Stuff, he kicked Obama's ball over goal line. Can't wait to see what his touchdown celebration looks like. Probably a waltz with Hillary down the 2016 campaign trail.
Dick Cheney: Still feisty even after recovering from a heart transplant. Really, transplant? Mightn't "installation" be more apt?
State of Florida: 12 years later, and they still can't count. Time to circumcise America. Cut Florida off and kick it into the Caribbean. Rename it North Cuba.
State of Texas: Threatening to secede again. But not seriously enough. Don't think their heart is really into it.
Mitt Romney: Good news is he won't have to 'splain to the whole family why they're moving into a smaller house.
Chris Christie: Love him or hate him, he's not going away and is much too big to fail.
Donald Trump: The man just cannot shut the hell up. He's the gift that keeps on giving. Should team up with Sarah Palin in a double act and take it on the road.
Paul Ryan: Reins of the GOP are his if he can hold onto them. Has a lean and hungry look. Bobby Jindal would be wise to beware the Ides of March.
The Climate: Don't know if anybody's noticed, but it ain't getting more placid out there.
Joe Biden: Less of a loose cannon and more of a loose aircraft carrier.
Michele Bachmann: Because every comedian needs a good right-wing nut job every now and then.
The Justin Bieber-Selena Gomez breakup: It's not over. Oh, you may think it's over, but it's not over.
And finally, The Fiscal Cliff: And our nation turns its lonely eyes to those fabled Fiscal Cliff Divers, the Tea Party. All right everybody, who's jumping first?
Thanks to everyone for all your hard work throughout the year for the likes of political animals such as I. And good health to us all.
The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com.
E-mail Will at email@example.com.
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