Effective immediately, WhosPlayin Communications, Inc. announces layoffs of 46,000 employees from our local blogging division. This cost-cutting move is expected to save the company up to $42.38 a year. Employees, who were waiting on a weather cancellation notice this morning, were notified via robocall not to show up for work. The company followed the robocall with an email, which is excerpted below:
Dear Former Employees:
We just wanted to take this opportunity to send you bloodsucking parasites one final "fuck you" while your free email accounts still work. When I asked you ungrateful bastards to help me polish up the corporate jet, many of you bitched and moaned about not having enough "family time". When we moved our corporate headquarters to the Cayman Islands, we offered you incompetent boobs free round-trip airfare to anyone willing to smuggle large bundles of cash in their carry-on luggage.
We would talk about how much we regret the layoffs, but frankly, we can outsource your jobs to India and save enough money to buy a new corporate yacht AND pay for our "Read Local Bloggers" marketing blitz.
In closing, smell ya later, bitches. We'll be posting a form letter-of-recommendation later, that you can download and fill out for yourself, if you think it will do you any good. TTYN. Signed Dick S. Over, President
Mr. Over could not be reached for comment because... well, we just didn't give a crap. Suckit, Over.
Keywords:
- Satire |
