Readers, I am proud to be able to present you with this exclusive post-debate interview with the senior Republican Senator from Texas, Kay Bailey Hutchison, on the night after her debate with Democrat Barbara Ann Radnofsky and Libertarian Scott Jameson.
WhosPlayin: Kay, thank you for taking the time to talk with us. I know you have a very busy schedule.
Kay: Oh, I just want to thank you and thank the citizens of the Great State of Texas for allowing me the opportunity represent you in the Senate. I will not cut and run.
WhosPlayin:OK, well I saw your debate last night, and I wanted to get your comments on a few things…
Kay: You saw it? Really?
WhosPlayin: Yes, it was on C-Span, so I watched it from my hotel room in New York.
Kay: But it was at 9pm central - 10 eastern. I was sort of hoping there wouldn't be much of an audience. To tell you the truth, the Radnofsky camp tricked me. I agreed to a debate at 10pm eastern, but since I live in Virginia now, I forgot that Texas was on central time. I didn't really want to debate, but they goaded me into it. I figured that late nobody would watch.
WhosPlayin: But Ms. Hutchison, with all respect, politicians are camera whores. If a camera is rolling, you're going to be there to say something in it.
Kay: Well, that's different. I don't think I should Cut and Run whenever there's a camera. The people need to know that I stand behind President Bush's policies and will continue to do my best to provide the much needed tax relief to the folks that move our economy in this nation.
WhosPlayin: Exactly who do you mean when you speak of the "folks moving our economy"?
Kay: It's all about small business. We're providing tax relief to small businesses, and it's growing the economy. Just yesterday the Dow closed at an all-time high of 12,000. The economy is doing great under the President's tax policy.
WhosPlayin: Kay, as I'm sure you know, the Dow Jones Industrial Average doesn't exactly consist of small businesses. Your proposed estate tax repeal would have benefited only those with $5 million or more in their estates.
Kay: Exactly - these farmers and small business owners that only have $5 million pay a very high death tax. Their families often have to pay attorneys to move their money to Bermuda to avoid the taxes.
WhosPlayin: But I don't know of ANY small businesses or farmers - especially these days - who have assets worth that much.
Kay: Oh honey, you're just not associating yourself with the right crowd. Almost everyone I know has an estate of $5 million or more - well except for some of those hooligans over in the House, but they're all working on it.
WhosPlayin: You just don't seem to be in touch with the average Texan, Kay. You talk about "tax relief" and economic growth, but most of us are not seeing it. You seem to care more about the ultra-wealthy than your average Texas constituent. Whatever tax cut I may have gotten, I've paid it back twice in the form of higher gasoline prices and drug costs.
Kay: Now, that's just not true. One of my staffers pulled your records and we see that you didn't get a tax cut. You paid more this last year than in 2004. If you were any kind of journalist you would have researched that. As to my ultra-wealthy friends, I'm not going to cut and run from my goal of eliminating taxes.
WhosPlayin: That's another thing, Kay. I noticed last night you said the words "Cut and Run" about 300 times, and that you were the only one in the room using those words. As per the stipulations of your pre-debate agreement with Ms. Radnofsky, I believe you said you would limit yourself to using those words only 200 times. You know that the term is disingenuous and misleading rhetoric.
Kay: That's a good question, and I'm glad that you asked me that. You deserve an answer. I believed in rhetorical limits before I agreed to the debate, and I still believe in rhetorical limits. But when I got into the debate I realized that it puts Republicans at a disadvantage if other candidates are allowed to attack my voting record, and I'm not allowed to say "Cut and Run". These cut-and-runners can take advantage of the fact that I've made hundreds and hundreds of votes, and they try to use these votes to say that I was for something that they dislike, or I was against something they favor. So that's why I labeled Ms. Radnomsky (sic) a cut-and-runner.
WhosPlayin: I believe you're talking about Barbara Ann Radnofsky - your challenger.
Kay: What did I say:
WhosPlayin: You said Ms. Radnomsky. Maybe it would be easier to just say "Barbara Ann".
Kay: You know, did I mention that Barbaran is a cut-and-runner? I won't cut and run. I believe we should support our troops.
WhosPlayin: Yes, you've made that quite clear. And as far as supporting the troops, I can tell by the yellow ribbon magnet stuck on your breast there. By the way, do you mind pulling your lapel together just a little bit?
Kay: Whoops! Sorry about that. I've lost so much weight lately that my clothes are just about to slip off of me.
WhosPlayin: Just about. But what fascinates me is how that magnet sticks!
Kay: Oh, well, about 10 years ago I had my heart replaced with a stainless steel pump.
WhosPlayin: You're kidding! I don't remember you being sick.
Kay: Oh no, I wasn't sick. I just had the money, and I decided to "treat myself" with the finest quality Rolex-brand Cardiac Pump. Lots of us have them now. I got my surgeon to do Dick Cheney's pump several years ago.
WhosPlayin: I'm at a total loss for words.
Kay: If there's one lesson that I think we all should learn from 9/11, it's that there are bad people out there who want us to have a total loss. When we cut and run, we send them the message that they can make us cut and run.
WhosPlayin: OK, you want to talk about Iraq. Tell me honestly, when are we going to get our troops out?
Kay: I've been to Iraq, and visited with some of our troops. I've bent over backward to support our troops. These young men - these strapping handsome young men in uniform. I got to spend some intimate time with a good number of them. I could tell they were excited to be there. A few of them told me some of their stories, but I found some of them hard to swallow. I can tell you from personal experience that our troops don't want to pull out. They want to see this thing all the way through to the climax.
When I was in Iraq, it was a very peaceful place. They have electricity. They have bottled water everywhere you go. The streets are amazingly empty, and there is a lot of security. The meals were like feasts, and I didn't see anyone explode - from a bomb or anything like that.
I got a lot of the soldiers to show me their guns. As you know, I'm a big gun lover. Some of them even shot them off for me. While I was there, the Marines took me for some recreational activities. I'll bet you didn't know that Iraq has good hunting. It's true.
WhosPlayin: You … oh my god, you went "hunting" with the Marines? What on earth for? Camels?
Kay: Goodness, no - though I did hear some of the Marines saying things like "Check out that Camel-toe" I think they must see a lot of camels there, because they talked about it a lot. In fact, we went bird hunting. As it turns out, Iraq has an indigenous species of flightless bird called the "Snipe". They only come out at night, and they run along the ditches by the side of the roads. You don't shoot them. You gather them in a bag. One person holds the bag, and the other runs along the ditch and chase the birds into the bag.
WhosPlayin: Ha! You don't say! So, did you catch any "Snipes" Ms. Hutchison?
Kay: Well, no, we didn't. But it was a fun experience. I thought the Marines were going to let me just hold their sacks, but instead, they were real gentlemen. They went out with the bags and let me run along and chase the Snipes. They were so patient. I must have run up and down these roads at night for about 4 hours. I could tell that they were so disappointed that I didn't catch any, but they were so patient. They even lent me a spotlight to help flush them out, but I guess all the snipes just weren't out that night.
WhosPlayin: It sounds like the Marines had a lot of fun with you.
Kay: That's just my personality. My colleagues in the Senate seem to always be having fun when I'm around. That's part of what I love about my job. People think the Senate is stuffy and serious all the time, but it's really not. Everywhere I go, people are laughing.
WhosPlayin: Weren't you worried for your own safety in Iraq? I mean, with the road-side bombs and such. You could have been killed.
Kay: No, absolutely not. Iraq is quite safe, they assure me. We had a whole platoon of Marines, and some of them had huge guns. Plus, I traveled there with this other guy - a plebe from the House. He's a doctor, I think from Texas. Mike Burger, or something like that? Anyhow, we were quite safe.
WhosPlayin: Are you saying Michael Burgess went with you?
Kay: Yes, that's his name! He's a nice guy - a little stiff, but he went with us on our hunting trip.
WhosPlayin: Interesting. What was that like?
Kay: Well, it was weird. He insisted on wearing a helmet and one of those "frak" coats all the time - even in the hotel. And he would fall down on the floor every time a car backfired.
WhosPlayin: Were there lots of cars backfiring there?
Kay: Oh, goodness yes. Those Iraqis have the worst cars. I'm going to see about getting Halliburton to send them some mechanics. Like every couple of hours, we'd hear a big boom, and someone would say "sounds like another car went off". I must say though that I'm quite impressed with the Iraqi police. Nearly every time these cars would backfire, you could hear sirens. I think the police were very serious about getting these old junker cars off the roads.
There was one day when we drove through the city, and I was just so impressed with how considerate our troops were. Whenever you'd see a car broken down by the side of the road, the whole convoy would stop, and they would send this one African American guy over to see if he could help them. He must have been the mechanic. I tried to find him later at the base so that I could commend him for being so polite, but everyone kept telling me he was "in Parts". Such a dedicated young man to be trying to find car parts when everyone else was relaxing in their barracks.
WhosPlayin: But Kay, the way you describe it, it sounds like Iraq is not that bad. All of the news commentators and quite a few generals have said there is a civil war going on over there. Your own party claims the occupation of Iraq to be a "War on Terror", and the US troop and civilian death tolls, continue to rise. With the rosy picture you paint of Iraq, it sounds like we could just bring our troops home.
Kay: That would be cutting and running, and I won't cut and run. I support the president. We won't leave until the job is done.
WhosPlayin: So what is the job that needs to be done.
Kay: Good jobs are so important. That's why I'm doing my best to provide tax relief to small businesses worth over $5 million dollars, whose owners die. We must not let them die in vain.
WhosPlayin: Kay, I didn't ask about "jobs". I asked about the job that needs to be done in Iraq. What is the mission that you want to complete? You said in last night's debate that you would have voted against the war if you had known there were no WMDs in Iraq. So what is the specific criteria that you would have us meet in Iraq to consider the mission done.
Kay: Missions work is so important. These people are overwhelmingly non-Christian, and they speak Muslim. When we can get them to be good English-speaking Christians, who will have Democracy and spread the ideas of relocating the Dome on the Rock, so that Israel can rebuild the temple, then we can consider our job done.
WhosPlayin: Are you saying we're in this as a religious thing? Surely you're not serious about converting Iraqis to Christianity are you?
Kay: No, that is wrong. I would like to set the record straight. I never said our mission was to get them to be good English-speaking Christians who believe that the King James Bible is the infallible word of God. Rather, it was the Moslem cervix who declared a Jihad on us. They want to spread their pagan moslemism with terror. But we're not going to cut and run from this fight. We'll take the fight to them. It's better to fight Moslems on their own sand.
WhosPlayin: I don't think I can take any more of this talk about Iraq. Lets change the subject, shall we?
Kay: Certainly. There are other issues of great importance, such as flag burning, gay marriage, and Mexicans…
WhosPlayin: Wait, I wanted to talk about raising the minimum wage… but, ok - talk about Mexicans.
Kay: I was just telling some border county sheriffs recently that I think it's a travesty that the Federal government would decide from Washington where the best locations for a border fence would be. These sheriffs know much more about how to catch illegals.
WhosPlayin: Didn't you actually vote for the border fence bill?
Kay: Of course I did, but I stand firmly that the protection of our borders should be the responsibility of the sheriffs. They should be able to put the fence up, but only in certain areas. There needs to be plenty of gaps in the fence, so that for instance illegal Mexicans here can self-deport. Or if someone loses a ball or a Frisbee, they can just run around and get it.
WhosPlayin: I don't understand what you're talking about. I mean, immigration and border security is a function of the federal government, am I right? Why don't you use your position as a senior Senator to bring home some dollars to Texas for Homeland Security. We really need to hire more professional Border Patrol to secure our borders instead of using our state's National Guard.
Kay: Well, that depends. If my dear friend Kinky Friedman wins, then all we have to do is pay off some Mexican generals, and they'll keep all of their illegals over there.
WhosPlayin: You're voting for Kinky? I thought you would vote for Rick Perry… What gives?
Kay: Perry's a real a-hole, and he creeps me out. And my personality just really conflicts with Carole Three-name Strayhorn. She's a flip flopper.
WhosPlayin: OK, thanks for coming by. You're making my brain hurt.
Kay: I want to thank you for having me, and if your brain keeps hurting, give my office a call and I'll hook you up with my surgeon. They have a new SCO-Unix artificial brain unit that's titanium plated. John McCain just got one, and he's getting used to it.
WhosPlayin: Alrighty then… Have a nice trip back to Virginia.
Kay: Thanks. And don't cut and run! John Cornyn does that a lot because he's lactose intolerant. It's really rude - and he laughs whenever he does it, and I've got so much bo-tox I can't even make a face when he floats one of his notorious air biscuits
Dear readers, I must apologize for this horrendous pile of crap. It's more along the lines of something MexicoBob would write. As I write, I'm sitting in LaGuardia Airport, bored stiff. Hope you got at least a chuckle. I think I'm going to go get a beer now.