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2014/11/23 - Matthew Grimm to Perform in Lewisville on Sunday, November 30th
2014/11/23 - Sunday Morning Update - Friendsgiving Edition
2014/11/23 - 3.3 Magnitude Earthquake Shakes Irving
2014/11/22 - Recycling Rates, Participation Improve with Lewisville's New ...
2014/11/22 - State Unveils New Healthy Texas Women Website
2014/11/22 - Energy Grid Operator ERCOT Offers Mobile Energy Saver App
2014/11/22 - Upcoming Events Around Lewisville and the Surrounding Area
2014/11/18 - Woman Mugged at Gunpoint Sunday Night at Lewisville Grocery Store
2014/11/16 - Lewisville Prepares for Winter Weather with New Equipment
2014/11/14 - Lewisville to Host Pro Watercross Tour at Lake Park in Summer 2015
2014/11/12 - Car Crashes into Lewisville Home
2014/11/12 - Holiday Stroll Planned in Old Town Lewisville on December 6th
2014/11/11 - Thanks to Veterans
2014/11/10 - LISD Superintendent Dr. Waddell Announces January Retirement
2014/11/9 - Happy Birthday, Marines!
2014/11/8 - Lewisville PD Launches Mobile App and Texting to Receive Tips
2014/11/8 - FBI Seeks Public Help Finding "L.A. Bandit" Serial Bank ...
2014/11/7 - City Council Meeting Video - 11/3/2014
2014/11/7 - Free Yoga for Cancer Patients at Medical Center of Lewisville
2014/11/7 - Upcoming Events Around Lewisville and the Surrounding Area
2014/11/6 - State Health Department: Ebola Monitoring to End
2014/11/6 - Winter is Coming!
2014/11/5 - Q&A with Lewisville PD on Gangs
2014/11/5 - Election Results for November 4th, 2014
2014/11/2 - Polling Locations for November 4th, 2014 Election
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Raging Moderate, by syndicated columnist and Emmy-nominated comedian Will Durst
Copyright, Will Durst - Licensed to Lewisville Texan Journal
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Where's My iPony?

Raging Moderate
Posted by WhosPlayin on 2014/9/21 22:50:22 (2510 reads)

Open in new windowOpen in new windowWill Durst - Raging Moderate

Shake off the blues, put on your shoes, and tell grandma the news: the next generation iPhones are here. Cue the "woo- hoos." And guess what: they're huge. Or not. You choose. It's like iGoldilocks. There's a small, a medium and a large. And the best part- no bears.

The iPhone 6 is a little bigger than the previous models but the iPhone 6 Plus looks like they shrunk the Minipad. Or tiny iPad. Or whatever they call it. "Is that an iPhone 6 Plus in your pocket or are you just really really happy to see me?" All across America, Baby Boomers are raising 8 ounce glasses of prune juice in grateful toasts. They can finally see their buttons. These phablets are fabulous.

In other fruit computer news, the iWatch did not turn out to be the iWatch: it's the Apple Watch. Even though the company filed for trademark protection in about 100 markets for the right to call it the iWatch. Of course, the wrist- bound marvel doesn't become iAvailable until 2015. Or when iSwatch freezes over.

In response to the new releases, the Galaxy Android Samsung contingent (GAS) has ramped up their troll- like flame campaign to shame and defame Apple for belatedly matching the lame technology of their sacred superior smart phones. But in such a piercing stridency, one thinks- perhaps they doth protest too much. If whining were beer, these guys would be a frat party during Octoberfest. In Bavaria.

Can't figure out what it is about these modern communication devices that makes people so crazy. You never hear Lexus owners bashing Acura drivers for finally acquiring contrasting leather stitching on their reclining heated leather seats. Brioni doesn't claim that Kiton suits are seasons old knock- offs with materials drawn from substandard sheep. Wustof wouldn't dream of accusing Henckels of stealing their edge design. They might think it.

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FAQ: Electing a New Pope

Raging Moderate
Posted by LewisvilleTexan on 2013/3/3 20:38:38 (436 reads)

Open in new windowOpen in new windowWill Durst - Raging Moderate

Q. Can you please explain what the heck is going on in Rome?

A. Well, Pope Benedict XVI retired, and now Catholic cardinals from around the world are congregating to elect a new pope.

Q. When was the last time a pope retired?

A. Thursday.

Q. No, before that.

A. July 4, 1415. Gregory XII stepped down to head off on a hot weekend with his brother-in-law's sister's seamstress' pool boy in Sardinia.

Q. Seriously?

A. Rumor has it.

Q. Which makes Benedict the first man in 600 years able to say he used to be pope?

A. Don't care who you are, that's always got to be the cherry on top your resume.

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The Red Rebs

Raging Moderate
Posted by LewisvilleTexan on 2013/2/16 1:40:16 (543 reads)

Open in new windowOpen in new windowWill Durst - Raging Moderate

Relax. It's not necessarily the flu making you confused and feverish. Could be spatter from that big, thick, juicy, new, improved Civil War infecting the Republican Party. Yes, again. The Rebs inside the Reds are rebooting themselves for the umpteenth time over the past few election cycles. Have to assume these self-proclaimed frugal guys purchased their huge caches of defibrillators and CPR paddles in bulk. "CLEAR!"

Change may emanate from the top, but in a blast from nearer the rump of the totem, Karl Rove announced the formation of a brand new Super PAC. It's the first of what might be called the Super Duper PACs. And a mere foreshadow of the Holey Moley The Hell is That Super Duper PAC to be unveiled immediately following the midterms. Initial reports have the man known affectionately as Turd Blossom and Bush's Brain calling his Frankenstein fund-raising monster the "Conservative Victory Party."

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Will Durst's 2013 Political Animal Awards

Raging Moderate
Posted by LewisvilleTexan on 2013/2/3 14:38:34 (471 reads)

Open in new windowWill Durst - Raging Moderate

Hey! You! Yes, you. Sorry. Just trying to get your attention to impart an important warning here. For the next couple weeks, it's imperative all you good folks out there stay alert and keep your wits about you. Remove the earbuds, no texting while walking, and you'd be well-advised to brandish a stainless steel umbrella on the street because it's awards season and golden-plated statuettes are being tossed about like manhole covers during an underground methane explosion. We've made it through the Golden Globes and the Screen Actors Guild Awards, with the Grammy Awards and Oscars right around the corner, so this seems the perfect time to weigh in with the barnacle on the belly of the awards ship: the 15th annual Will Durst Political Animal Awards.

THE BEST IMPRESSION OF REANIMATED HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN AWARD: And the winner is... oh, forgive me, that's right, we're all winners here. The award goes to Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell.

BEST DIRECTION OF A COMEDY: To Mitt Romney's campaign manager, Matt Rhoades.

THE HE SHOULD SWITCH TO DECAF AND REALLY SOON AWARD: Vice President Joe Biden.

COLLATERAL DAMAGE AWARD: Still picking shrapnel out of his widow's peak, Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan.

THE CLOCK IS TICKING LOUD ENOUGH TO PIERCE EARDRUMS ON A COUPLE DIFFERENT CONTINENTS AWARD: Three-way tie! Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and Bashar al-Assad.

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Ode 2 2012

Raging Moderate
Posted by LewisvilleTexan on 2013/1/5 13:14:33 (487 reads)

Open in new windowWill Durst - Raging Moderate

And so we bid a not-so-fond farewell to the bow of another large unwieldy year as it sinks slowly over the horizon wobbling unsteadily towards the graveyard of memory. And cheers erupt from we folks on shore waving the double-handed "L for loser" sign above our heads. "So long. See ya. Don't let the door slam you in the butt on the way out. And if you got any brothers or sisters, don't give them this address."

Normally there's some small sense of nostalgia for a departing annum. An iota of regret for the calendar discarded. Not this one. Getting through the past 12 months was like navigating a Black Diamond ski run in roller skates with the wheels rusted shut. While wearing a crib. It was an oil-soaked pelican of years. The Year of Living Stupidly. Had the same connection to constructive change that Vladimir Putin has to the editorial board of Crochet Monthly. The Chinese need a new Zodiac sign: Year of the Flatulent Weasel.

But in the interest of keeping this particular piece of puffery positive it might be best if we confine our remarks to reflecting on the good that emerged from 2012.

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Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2012

Raging Moderate
Posted by LewisvilleTexan on 2012/12/8 20:59:55 (652 reads)

Open in new windowOpen in new windowWill Durst - Raging Moderate

First a disclaimer: The Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2012 should not under any circumstances be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2012. They are as different as red satin cummerbunds and Liar's Dice. Duck liver and Spanish moss. Matched pearl necklaces and motorcycle handlebars.

For those of you itching to point out that some stories, especially those involving death, destruction, devastation and disaster are not proper subjects for this sort of fanciful folderol -- way ahead of you. Totally agree. Exactly why the Aurora, Colo. movie theater massacre, Hurricane Sandy, Jerry Sandusky and the movie John Carter failed to make the cut.

Also left off the list are a few of the fiendishly frivolous footprints despoiling the sands of this annus horribilis such as Lindsay Lohan's continuing struggles with sobriety, that curious craze called Gangnam Style, the introduction of the iPhone 5 and Facebook's roller-coaster IPO.

That said; here they are, the key stories from the past year providing the purest opportunities for major mocking and scoffing and taunting as determined by the executive council of the Comics, Clowns, Jesters & Satirists Union. Me.

10. Donald Trump. Assumes figurehead post of Birther Movement. Then refuses to shut up all year long, including several embarrassing tweets on Election Day. An ever-gushing political comedy material fountain with all the grace and elegance of tumbling dumpsters.

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Thanksgiving Blessings 2012

Raging Moderate
Posted by LewisvilleTexan on 2012/11/17 8:00:00 (816 reads)

Open in new windowOpen in new windowWill Durst - Raging Moderate

Seriously? Both political parties talking pre-emptive smack barely a week after the election. Partisan politics? Again? So soon? Not even time to catch our breath? For crum's sakes, give it a rest, you guys. Besides, shouldn't you be out on recess? After all, it's Thanksgiving. Yes. Already. The earliest Thanksgiving possible. That's what happens when November first is on a Thursday. Merchants are dancing the happy dance. Shoppers too. Retail workers, not so much. Black Friday Creep seems destined to devour Halloween.

To be perfectly honest, a four-day weekend devoted to food, family and football might be the perfect prescription distraction to help us through these rebuking times. So here's a couple rough examples of what a middle-aged, round-headed political comic counts as blessings over folded hands before performing a perfectly executed triple somersault into the gravy boat.

Barack Obama: Second-term promises much bigger knock-down, drag-out fights with the Republican House. Not to mention the Democratic Senate.

General David Petraeus: Who knew generals had groupies? Proves old high school adage: chicks dig stars. The larger the fruit salad, the more noxious the flies.

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Ten Females Who Cost Mitt Romney the Presidency

Raging Moderate
Posted by LewisvilleTexan on 2012/11/10 11:35:01 (769 reads)

Open in new windowOpen in new windowWill Durst - Raging Moderate

Holey moley catfish. Well, thank god that's finally over. Further thanks that the climax was quick and clean. Almost surgical. Not as long a night as many first thought it might be. Except for Karl Rove that is, who for all we know is still scribbling numbers to prove the call on Clinton's re-election win in 1996 was premature. And as usual, Florida did all it could to gum things up, but was eventually rendered irrelevant. And long may it remain so.

In the end, President Barack Obama trounced, er, battered, um, eked-out a victory -- or to be more precise, Mitt Romney lost. Or shall we say, found a thousand ways to lose. Except for one brief, shining moment in the first debate, virtually carrying with him a defeat diviner.

And each and every one of his failures can be traced directly to females. The distaff of life. Single women. Married women. Old women. Young women. Ladies and divas and flappers and baby mamas; duchesses, priestesses, shorties and floozies. So here they are, the top ten females who cost Mitt Romney the presidency, each of them representing one of the myriad factors that helped construct the unelectable mosaic that became Bain's Captain of Industry:

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Who Wins and Why

Raging Moderate
Posted by LewisvilleTexan on 2012/11/4 11:11:16 (586 reads)

Open in new windowWill Durst - Raging Moderate

Looking for the dead-solid skinny on the upcoming presidential election? You've come to the right place. As a public service, we're going to tell you right here and now who wins this thing, and why.

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October Surprises

Raging Moderate
Posted by LewisvilleTexan on 2012/10/5 19:00:00 (723 reads)

Open in new windowOpen in new windowWill Durst - Raging Moderate

When the end draws near and prospects darken, and polls solidify in the wrong direction, and the base sinks lower than the toenail clippings of a Galapagos turtle, does the practiced political operative give up? No sir, they whip out their secret weapon. Not the candidate's spouse. The real ace up the sleeve -- The October Surprise.

Every campaign has one. Or more. It's a piece of opposition research stashed away for a rainy day. For safe-keeping, behind glass, like a fire axe: "Open in the event of impending doom." Something so incendiary it's concealed in an asbestos-lined box buried deep in the back of the campaign manager's underwear drawer.

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